Mountain Unicycling!

This is finals week, which means that I have no classes and a lot of take-home exams. I decided yesterday that the best possible place to take an exam was in the mountains. So I packed a couple meals for myself, hopped on my unicycle, and headed north. I was even feeling organized enough to snap a picture of myself:

I'm actually pretty happy with how this shot
turned out.

Three miles later, I hit the Claremont Hills Wilderness Park, which contains a beautiful 5-mile mountain trail. The base of the trail was a little shady, and the temperature hadn't yet risen above 60 (in the middle of December! Seriously, SoCal, I'm disappointed in your inability to stay warm...), so I decided to head upward.
A few notes on mountain unicycling:
1) Mountain trails are steep! It's difficult enough to bike up them - unicycling is downright crazy. But I got great traction, and managed to stay on the unicycle for pretty decent chunks of time. The biggest problem I encountered was free mounting (getting onto the unicycle without a wall) on a steep incline. When I couldn't make it any further, I generally ended up getting off and walking up to the next (relatively) flat spot.
2) If you ever need an ego boost, ride a unicycle on a busy mountain trail. The crazy looks, spontaneous laughs, and complements make all the hard work worthwhile. I even had one group ask if they could take a video of me...
3) Uphill is hard, downhill is terrifying. Once, I almost passed a bicyclist. I was very impressed with myself. Then, we hit a downhill bit. The bicycle has brakes; the only way I can brake is by never going too fast in the first place. I'm pretty sure I went slower downhill than up because of that.

In any case, I had a great time. I was riding uphill, focusing on not falling, and looking for a nice place to stop and study chemistry. I looked up for a moment, and was practically blown off my feet (off my wheel?). The scenery was beautiful!

Mountains all the way!

I also caught a glimpse of Claremont, which was apparently a little foggy that morning:

I found a nice place to sit and study chemistry, then went a little further on and found a place to take my chemistry exam (which I'm not allowed to discuss until 5:00 pm today - I may update this post after that). I read a little, munched on some trail mix, and then tackled the remaining 3.5 miles of the loop. Yes, I could have just turned around and gone 1.5 miles back, but the way I'd come was pretty steep, and I wanted to see the other portion of the trail. It was an amazing ride. I'll certainly be returning to the park later this week or next semester.
In any case, I eventually got back to campus, after a grand total of around 10-11 miles of unicycling. I was checking out my unicycle and brushing off the dust when I spotted a little pebble lodged in the tread of my wheel. I flicked it out, then heard the sound all bicyclists dread: pshhhhhhhhh. I now have a completely flat tire, which is rather sad. I'll have to see if I can find a patch before the end of finals so I can return the unicycle to the club. (Yes, I'm still using a borrowed unicycle. I'm hoping to get one of my own over break - I have my eye on the Nimbus 26" Mountain unicycle, which gets awesome reviews and is actually designed for mountain unicycling.)
Edit (13:00 Dec. 12): Thanks to the Pitzer College Green Bike Program, the unicycle has a patch and is rolling as usual again! Hooray!
Further edit (11:45 Dec. 13): False alarm! It appears I have another hole in my tire, as my wheel is completely flat again this morning. Unfortunate.
Further further edit (19:30 Dec. 13): Hooray! I paid another visit to Green Bikes this afternoon, where I found a nice little thorn on the inside of the tire tread. I've removed that, patched the tire again, and tightened all of the loose bolts on the seat. I'm glad to be returning the unicycle in better condition than I found it.

On a somewhat related note, I found an awesome blog by a mountain unicyclist: Unplanned Dismount. The author has a great sense of humor, and it sounds like he does a lot of the same kind of riding I'd like to be able to do someday. He also gives a lot of reasonable-sounding tips, though I can't try them out at the moment thanks to my little experience with a thorny pebble. 

There will be blood

And here I thought I had bad circulation when I had all my blood in my system...
I donated blood today, a pint, which ends up being around 10% of the blood in my veins. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. It's also nice to know that my blood, literally a part of me, might have some role in saving someone else's life. Oh, and the coupon to Coldstone certainly doesn't hurt. I'm sure I can find someone else who wants it.

I'm not allowed to do 'strenuous exercise' for the next (*checks watch*) 17 hours and 50 minutes. That meant that at today's Ultimate practice, I found myself in the role of filmmaker. It's funny how an hour and a half of watching Ultimate through a camera made me so much better at commentating. I still occasionally forget to pan with the play or some such rookie mistake, but I think I'm getting better.
Also, it's pretty darn cold for Southern California. It'll be just above freezing overnight. Standing around filming, in the cold, with rather substantially less blood than usual, when I have bad circulation even with all of my blood, is just a recipe for Frosty Freshman. It was a relief to eventually head to a team dinner in the pleasantly warm dining hall.
All in all, though, it was a rewarding experience, and I suspect I'll be donating again in the future.

Umm...Prolog?

Prolog is a really neat concept. The idea is that in a program, you give the computer facts and tell it how to recognize a solution, and then the computer finds all possible solutions. Great. I'm in the process of debugging a predicate (kind of like a function) right now, and I accidentally stumbled upon this:

Easter egg! It's like in Python: when you type 'import antigravity,' it opens up your default web browser to this page.
I love programmers' sense of humor.
Anyhow, back to debugging!

Edit: It seems that this is what happens whenever you ask the Prolog command line the value of a variable. Variables start off as unbound (nothing), so they had to come up with some kind of error message, and decided on a creative one.

An adventure!

At Mudd, I live only a few miles from the base of the nearest mountain. It turns out that it's really a 2.8-mile straight shot down a single road - even I couldn't possibly get lost on the way. Anyway, last night, I decided that today would be the perfect day to go check it out. I packed myself a breakfast, set out gobs of layers against the (gasp) forty degree weather in the mornings, and got up early to head out. Even the threat of light drizzles throughout the morning wasn't enough to dissuade me. Unfortunately, I don't have the endurance (or the time) at the moment to run a solid six miles in a single go, but that just made it the perfect unicycle outing.
It was glorious. The rain (mostly) held off, with just a few light showers here and there along the way. It was an amazing feeling to watch the mountains, a constant backdrop around here, slowly getting closer over the course of a half-hour ride. The sidewalks were pretty awesome, too. It's like they were designed for fledgeling unicyclists to practice on!
I would totally post a picture of the curvy paths here, if I hadn't just somehow lost all the ones I took between the memory card from my camera and my pictures folder. I suppose I'll have to get a picture next time!
I reached the trailhead for a 5-mile loop, which looks like an awesome trip. It was pretty busy today, probably because it's a weekend, but I might be able to pay it a longer visit in relative isolation during the week (now that it's the second half-semester, I only have one class on both Tuesdays and Thursdays). I look forward to exploring it more!

Spoiled

Ah, I love Southern California. It's early November, and I can still viably wear shorts and a t-shirt outside, as long as I'm relatively active. Even so, the practically freezing fifty degrees this morning had me wearing a sweatshirt, jacket, and gloves. I shudder to think what I will be like when I go home.
Both the open and women's team here have started cranking up their practices. I now attend practice on six days of the week, plus a scrimmage on Saturdays, and sprint practice on Sundays. I love it, but I'm starting to question the viability of a solid 14 hours of Ultimate per week, plus around four hours of other relatively strenuous exercise (running/sprints) and probably 2-3 of moderate exercise (walking, unicycling, biking). Time is starting to become a major factor.
Ah, well. I'm sure I'll figure something out.
Enjoy the extra hour of sleep tonight!

Back to a training wheel

Hooray! I have a training wheel again! The parents of a friend of my mom's happen to live nearby, and managed to find a pretty nice and inexpensive bike. I am now capable of going at speeds over 10 miles per hour and exerting minimal effort on downhills!
Here it is (with a really lousy background):

Ah, the wheels...
They decided that the bike was pretty nice and rather appealing to thieves, so they sprayed some nice pink stripes on the wheels to deter would-be bike snatchers. Here's a closer-up shot:

I'm not sure if you can see this from the picture, but written in the stripes is P-H-Y-S-I-C-S. A neat little touch, I suppose.

Unicycling!

I started unicycling around a month and a half ago. I have a lot to say about it, so I may end up breaking this into multiple posts, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Part 1: Why I started
I've halfheartedly wanted to learn for a while. My Oma gave me a unicycle for my birthday years ago, but I never quite got the hang of it. Okay, fine, I never even got close to getting the hang of it. Harvey Mudd has a unicycling club, though, and I was free for a couple hours during their first meeting, so I thought I'd go check it out. It's a quintessential Mudd thing, really.
Other awesome reasons to learn, now that I know how:
1) Making fun of bicyclists for having too many wheels.
2) Making fun of bicyclists for not yet having lost their training wheel.
3) Flailing your arms like an idiot while balancing on one wheel is fun!
4) Unicyclists tend to be well-balanced people. (facepalm)
5) Getting funny looks from regular people when riding to buy groceries etc.
6) Instant identification as a Mudder anywhere in Claremont

Scrimmage

I'd been looking forward to yesterday for around a month. It was the day of a scrimmage between the Braineaters, the 5C open Ultimate team, and the teams from three other schools: USC, APU, and Occidental. I had gotten permission from the captains to play with the open team for the day.
I like to play with open teams when I get the chance because, in reality, the level of play is completely different from mixed or women's Ultimate. It's also invigorating to push my physical limits in order to compete against guys. Most of all, I absolutely love the Brains. They're a fun-loving team, and despite that, or, more likely, because of it, they won D-III nationals last year. They have a full team of real characters, and love and tease each other to death. It's an amazing environment to play in, and I'm honored they've allowed me to compete with them.
The thing was, it was a bittersweet kind of joy. For them, this is only the beginning. They have a whole year to continue to play together and mesh as a team. For me, on the other hand, this is probably the end. It's unlikely I'll be able to compete with them again, and I don't know if the captains would allow me to in any case.
I'll continue attending practices with them - after all, what would college life be like without 10+ hours of Ultimate each week? I'll still be learning and pushing my limits. But in a way, yesterday was the end for me. I'm no longer really a member of the team.

Math in the Great Outdoors

Anyone who's ever studied Fibonacci numbers is now expecting a long ramble about pinecones, sunflower seeds, and flower petals. Sorry, out of luck. I'm sure you can find that sort of thing elsewhere. It's only taught to every elementary school student in the US school system. Okay, maybe not quite, but the number of times it was taught to me must make up for anyone out there who hasn't seen it.
In any case, what I'm actually writing about is doing math homework in the fresh, smoggy air of southern California. Under a tree, in my case, since the lack of humidity means that it's significantly cooler in the shade than the sun (a good 5-10 degrees isn't unheard of). That turned out to be a mistake. Look what happened!

Seriously, birds! Have some respect for the calculus!
For those who are a little slow on the uptake, that yellow stuff that's circled is the dropping of a kind (cheating!) bird who must have been checking out my work from above. If a bird ever turns in calculus homework that looks suspiciously like this, make sure to call him/her on plagiarism!

Welcome to Debugging

I just spent around 4 hours trying to find a bug in my code, only to find a stinking rounding error. That I can't control. Yippee!
Somehow, DrRacket thinks that 12.0 x .0254 (number of meters in a foot) is 0.30479999999999996 rather than the correct 0.3048. It makes enough of these little errors over the course of a long string of computations that my tests are failing. Could anything be more frustrating? Okay, probably. But not right now.

Painters' Tape, part III

In continuing my ever-enduring quest to replace duct tape with painters' tape on the list of things that make the world go round, I have a third episode. My watch broke - I lost the pin that held the watch band to the watch. I'm currently looking into buying a new band or a new watch, but for the time being, I've fixed it up with good ol' painters' tape. Just to document this, here it is:

Next step in making painters' tape make the world go round: connect the earth to the sun with a giant string of painters' tape...this could be interesting...

Exploring Nature

Yesterday was an awesome day. All told, I spent around 6 hours being somehow physically active - walking, playing Ultimate, doing self-defense drills, and learning some Kendo. Awesome.
I spent an hour and a bit walking around the botanic gardens before rain (and a grumbling stomach) sent me back to campus. It was overcast all morning, which made it possible for me to really explore the lower gardens without overheating in half a second. It's quite the area. Also thanks to the overcast, I had approximately zero sense of direction, so I was very grateful for the giant 'EXIT' arrows painted on the trail at every intersection. Without those, I'd probably still be wandering around there completely lost.
Here are a few pictures from my explorations of nature:

This was the overcast lifting - it was just barely
possible to see the mountains to the north.

I loved this single flower. Unfortunately,
it was pretty far off the path, so I couldn't
get any closer.

Cute berries! Probably poisonous, but still cute!

Okay, look closely in the middle there. See that gray
blob? That's a squirrel hanging head-down trying to get
something off a branch that couldn't support its weight.

So much nature!

I loved the look of this tree. I'm not sure if it's dying
or just waiting for the wet season before it comes back
to life.

Okay, just a couple more pictures before I go back to frantically debugging my CS homework...
On my way to the bookstore to buy some Scotch tape on Thursday, I spotted a beautiful yellow and black butterfly. It was hanging out near a layer of wet leaves from the previous night's rain. I'm guessing that it was drinking. The fun thing was that it was still there around 40 minutes later as I was coming back to campus. It was just begging to have pictures taken of it. Here are the best of them:

Painters' Tape!

In my ever-enduring quest to use painters' tape to 'affix everything to everything,' I have moved from affixing posters (which are still hanging, by the way - definitely a new record for the map) to extension cords. I'll be the first to admit I was less-than-organized in my approach to this challenge, but here's a picture of how it ended up:

Note to my roommate: if you ever come into a predominantly blue room, I apologize in advance and point out that F&M did approve the use of painters' tape, and it's not a permanent alteration anyway...

The Ultimate Engineering Challenge

I've had a very enjoyable weekend. I've been fairly productive, have played a little Ultimate, gone for two separate runs, and finished a lot of homework.
As a break from studying this evening, I decided to tackle the ultimate engineering challenge: hanging posters armed only with painters' tape. For those of you who don't know of the stuff, painters' tape is that blue masking-tape-like tape. It didn't take me long to find out why it's favored by painters - it doesn't stick to walls. No wonder, then, that it's the administration's sticky-material-of-choice for dorm rooms at Harvey Mudd. As an example of how bad it is at holding posters up, take a look at this first, naive attempt at hanging:

That didn't work. At all. By that I mean that it fell down within ten seconds of being stuck to the wall.  This stuff is that not sticky. This problem got me thinking. It stuck to the posters just fine, it just fell off the wall with hardly a second thought.
'Aha!' I thought, 'perhaps I can help it stick to the wall.' That I did. Here's my step-by-step method, in the hopes that it will help someone, somewhere, stick a poster to the wall using not-sticky tape.

Step 1: Long piece of tape
After getting rid of any dust on the wall with a damp rag, take a pretty long piece of tape and stick half of it to the wall. The remaining half should dangle off, on the side that forces of nature and evil will be fighting. That is, if you're fighting gravity, the top half should be dangling. If you're trying to prevent a corner from pulling away to the right, the left half should be dangling. If you're fighting anti-gravity...send me a blueprint for how you got that working and I'll share the Nobel prize with you.

Pretty simple so far.

Step 2: Prevent the dangling end from just dragging the rest of the tape off the wall with it.
This is done by putting another piece of tape perpendicular to the first, across it. Really, a picture will tell it best.

Then, crease the first piece so that there's a sharp edge right at the edge of the second piece. This will make the next few steps a lot easier. This setup on its own would work fairly well, but if your poster has any non-negligible weight, it might tear the second piece, drag the first off the wall, and fall down anyway. There are two weak points: on either side of the first piece, on the top edge of the second. We'll reinforce those next.

Step 3: Reinforce those weak points!
Next, you need to place two more pieces of tape parallel and right next to the first. These will reinforce the areas of the second piece most likely to tear. Again, a picture will tell it best.

Hooray! This, again, should work on its own, but it doesn't hurt to put one more piece of tape across those two to further reinforce the whole system.

Step 4: One more reinforcement
In this step, you place one last piece of tape parallel to the second piece, and across the third and fourth, to reinforce the weaker points there.

Hooray! You're done! Well, actually...you probably still want to hang your poster. If it's a width-wise or less-than-light poster, you probably want to make another one of these, just to be safe. It's a good idea to distribute the weight.

So...
Step 5: Repeat

Now, finally, you can hang your poster. Make sure the dangly bits are mostly where you want them to be, and then...

Step 6: Victory!

Step 7: Just to be safe
You've put so much work into this, it would be a shame for it to be less-than-utterly-perfect. Just to be safe, put a little roll of tape at each corner. These won't be supporting much weight, so the painters' tape will hold. Hopefully. Also, if your poster is really heavy, you might want to consider double-reinforcing the whole thing by repeating steps two through four.

I may or may not have spent upwards of an hour and a half doing this tonight. Most of that was for one poster. A giant (not quite full-size, fortunately, but pretty big) map of the world. I've historically had a lot of trouble getting this map to stay attached to a wall, so I really went all-out for it. There are 11 of these setups, all double-reinforced, behind the main body of the map, along with a roll at three of the corners and an additional sideways setup at one particularly persistent corner. Here is the proof that it has stayed put for at least long enough for me to get down off my bed and snap a picture of it:

I was also able to reuse the tape from my original failed attempt. At first, it went into the Pile of (Not-Quite-) Everlasting Doom:

Eventually, though, I found a better use for it.  These tiny little rolls of tape, while not strong enough to hold a poster, were more than enough for my mini-posters. Each of these was a picture on some date from a family calendar a few years ago. They work beautifully on my 'poster wall.'

All in all, a very enjoyable study break. 

Annus Mirabilis

The scene opens with a single man sitting at a desk. EINSTEIN wears a mixture of clothing, some articles too large for him, and certainly clashing. His hair is a mess. He focuses on the stack of papers in front of him, muttering to himself. He has a German accent.
EINSTEIN: Another time-keeping device. Still on alternating current. Dammit, why couldn't direct current have won?
(pause)
Let's see. Well, this seems like it ought to work. The problem is that the power plant would have to be perfectly consistent. Then again, I suppose I can allow the inventor, (consults his papers) Henry Warren, figure that out for himself. Approved!
(stamps the sheet with a large, official-looking stamp and sets both the sheet and stamp aside)
Moving on... A gravel dispenser? How did that get filed in with the electromagnetic devices? Isn't that Otto's department? Ah, well, I might as well review it now. It seems to require that...no, it doesn't. I wonder what would happen if the gravel came out here instead. Ah, no. It looks like this will work just fine. Okay, approved.
(He does his stamp routine again, then glances toward an imaginary window, transfixed by something going on beyond it. He checks his watch briefly, then returns his gaze to the events outside.)
There goes the 11:05 train, consistent as ever. They might as well set the great clock in Bern by its departure. I wonder how fast it's going. Speaking of which, I also wonder how fast time is going. At a rate of a second per second, I suppose.
(He shakes his head as if to clear it of some absurd idea, then turns back to his work.)
Here's an interesting idea! This man wants to create a light clock! So there's an electromagnetic pulse here, and then that creates some light, which is absorbed here. No, this would never work. The absorption of light isn't nearly that simple. Why, scientists have been working on it for decades, and still can't explain it. It's a good idea, but with terrible execution. Rejected.
Once scientists actually figure out the photoelectric effect and can describe the absorption of light and emission of electrons, we'll be able to figure out something like this device. Until then, we'll just have to sit tight and wait. What we need is another Max Planck. He would have figured it out.
Okay, next. Naegeli, again. He does like to invent things. Here's a modification of his old motor. According to this, that one sparked when it was operating. This is supposed to somehow suppress the sparks.
(He pauses, studying a sketch on the sheet.)
I suppose that this wire is supposed to channel off the extra current. It's creative, but not a very nice design. Still, Naegeli is a good inventor. I guess I should –
(He breaks off, staring shocked into space. In a flurry of excitement, he grabs a pen and a piece of paper from his desk and begins scribbling frantically. He mutters as he writes, increasing in volume as he realizes the implications of his discovery.)
Of course! Max Planck could have seen it! He said light was particles. That completely solves the problem of absorption. This explains it!
PATENT CLERK: (from offstage) Einstein, keep it down, would you? Some of us are trying to work here!
EINSTEIN: Sorry! (quieter) So if light is in particles, then only one chunk of light can be absorbed at a time! That means that it doesn't matter how much light there is, only the energy of the light. This is a beautiful idea. The photoelectric effect is explained!
PATENT CLERK: (from offstage) Okay, look, Albert. We do have work to get done, and we don't have time to listen to you rambling about whatever nonsense you're up to now. Last week it was tiny little particles in water, now it's something about particles of light? It's absurd. If you can't focus on the work, you should find work elsewhere.
EINSTEIN: Okay, sorry. I've just answered one of the persistent questions of physics for the last decade, but I'm getting back to work now.
(He returns to the stack of patents in front of him.)
Time to go back to Naegli, I suppose, and his spark-less motor. I definitely need to check out his old diagrams. I can't remember them at all.
(He begins rummaging through a second pile of papers, off to the side of his desk. After a few moments of this, he glances out the window and freezes.)
The light clock! The beauty of it is that it's not mechanical. It doesn't have a pendulum, which can be knocked around, so no matter how much you jolt it, it remains unchanged. If I were on a train, for instance, and we accelerated quickly, it wouldn't change its ticking. The speed of light is always the same. Maxwell told us that without any doubt. No matter how much we bumped around or how fast we went, it would remain the same. Even if the train went faster and faster, to nearly the speed of light itself, the clock would go on ticking.
Hang on. That would mean that the pulse of light would be traveling faster than the speed of light to an observer outside the train, which we know to be impossible. Something strange is going on here.
(He stares into space, lost in thought. Seeming to lose his flash of insight, the brightness leaves his eyes, he sighs and then returns to his work. His tone is more downcast now – he knows that he has let a great idea escape his grasp.)
I thought I had something there.
Oh, right, Naegli's motor.
(He glances between two different sheets of paper.)
Approved, I suppose. There isn't much new, but it's a good idea.
(He repeats his stamp routine, and moves on to the next patent.)
Here's a strange concept. This man wants to use light to warm up objects. Oh, no, not light – he wants to use some form of invisible electromagnetic radiation. It's supposed to be absorbed by the object, which will increase its energy. Hmm... No, I really don't like this one. It just seems so implausible. Oh, and he's calling it a microwave! That's just spectacle – absurd! This is certainly rejected!
(He repeats his rejection stamp routine, and resumes staring out the window.)
How can you have two speeds add up to greater than the speed of light? It's impossible, and yet the setup is entirely plausible. How does it work?
(haltingly) What if...distances changed in different frames of reference? Then, the light would have a different distance to travel, in the same time. (He speaks faster, and louder, now. He's on a roll.) Or what if time changed? Then speeds would be different from different points of view. It's elementary! Everything is relative!
PATENT CLERK: Einstein! Shut up!
EINSTEIN: (apologetic, but triumphant) Sorry.
Scene

The best story in Chinese ever!

This morning, I was in Chinese class. We're beginning a transportation unit now, so we were telling a story. I happened to be the subject of the story. We concluded right at the beginning that I would be going to Poland. Here's a synopsis of the best Chinese story ever:

So I fly a little plane to Chicago, where I catch a larger plane, in which I fly to New York. From there, I climb aboard a boat and sail across the ocean. About a week later, I reach London, where I ask for directions to Poland. I catch a plane and go to Krakow. 

At this point, we all turn to a Polish/Swedish member of our class and ask 'what the heck in in Krakow?' He explains that there are lots of castles. Here ensued a discussion (in Chinese, of course) of what is in castles. 'Kings,' contributed my teacher. 'Dragons,' said a classmate. 

So I decided to visit a king in a castle, who has a really nice dragon. I ask if I can buy it, and he names a price. It's far too expensive for me to buy. So I steal it instead (a classmate's suggestion, not mine). I ride my new dragon from Krakow to Germany. 

There was a bit of a debate about whether my dragon could fly or not. I asserted that it most certainly could. It flew very well, thank you very much! But my classmates and teacher refused to accept that. So it was a long trek rather than a nice flight. 

Oh, and did I mention this dragon has six legs? He runs really fast, so it only took a little while to get to Germany. In Germany, I proceeded to drink a lot of beer (teacher's idea, not mine) and eat lots. By the time I wanted to leave, I was so fat that the dragon could no longer carry me. So I abandoned it and walked to France. Out of a lack of both money and anything better to do, I went to the Louvre on one of its free days, begged for some food, and then washed dishes until I was quite rich. With the proceeds from this, I flew back home and lived happily ever after.

The Revelation Committee

Disembodied voices speaking. They are unlocatable, jumping from place to place in the middle of sentences and even words. They boom and echo in the darkness. The voices will be recognizable later on, but only barely.
ELECTRON: This has gone on long enough! It is time for us to step in and stop it.
PROTON: Nonsense. It's all in the name of science. It will continue until we can keep it up no longer.
ELECTRON: No, really, it's absurd. We've -
SIGMA: Oh, shut your mouth. We all know -
HIGGS: All of you, stop this bickering! It is how it is, and will remain that way.
PROTON: I hate to say this, everyone, but, well, (voice lowers to a whisper) we're being watched.
ALL: (not exact wording, just something along these lines, and almost simultaneously) Shoot!
HIGGS: Places, everyone!
There is a noise like a stereotypical alien abduction. Lights go crazy, in all colors and brightnesses, zipping around the stage randomly. The noise and lights end abruptly, and plain spotlights snap onto the stage, illuminating ELECTRON, PROTON, HIGGS, and SIGMS all sitting around a large table, trying hard to look nonchalant. ELECTRON is in mostly blue clothing, with a pair of rather dirt-smeared overalls and carrying a small, red booklet. PROTON, in contrast, wears almost solely red, with a mop of hair, possibly dyed pink. SIGMA wears neon blue and a foul expression. HIGGS is wearing very dark clothing, including a fedora, an ominous-looking and well-worn trench coat, and dark sunglasses. ALL fidget slightly, jiggling legs, twiddling thumbs, or fiddling with buttons on clothing. PHOTON is nowhere to be seen.
SIGMA: (glaring at audience) They would show up now, wouldn't they? There we were, floating probability clouds, free as can be, and then poof! these guys show up, and now here we are, stuck in particle form.
PROTON: I know what you mean, but really, we need to get back to the topic at hand. Being particles isn't that bad. Higgs, go on.
(nods to HIGGS)
HIGGS: Okay, look. You've kept me hidden for so long that if I show up now, it'll be suspicious. Plus, CERN isn't even that cool. I mean, I've seen some pretty neat detectors in my time, but the collider in Switzerland just isn't one of them.
ELECTRON: Now you're just being stuck-up. Some of us have been detected since before there were accelerators. Just because you haven't -
SIGMA: Oh, please! Your personal troubles have nothing to do with us. You're just jealous!
PROTON: Yeah!
ELECTRON: Ah, and now you accuse the electron - the noble electron! - of jealousy! I have been known for decades, more than either of you can say! (glares at SIGMA)
PROTON: Oh, stop being so negative. Sigma's right. This has nothing to do with the problem at hand.
ELECTRON: (under his breath) Negative! He just called me negative! (proceeds to act huffy)
HIGGS: My point is, it doesn't make sense to reveal me now, of all times. So why not hide me a bit longer?
ELECTRON: Why not hide you? Because we have no reason to be spending so much vacuum energy on saving the hide of a pathetic little particle like you. Heck, you're no different from the rest of us! (looking now at the other particles) Power to the people! Rebel against this age-old tyrant! (He takes out a pocket Soviet flag and waves it around. Realizes everyone is looking at him strangely. Slows and then stops waving it entirely. Tucks it into his overalls sheepishly) Sorry.
PROTON: It sounds to me like you're just bitter because you've never had the opportunity to be hidden away from the world. I can understand it. It was hard, being detected that first time...(looks off into the distance, remembering the past)
SIGMA: Oh, come on. At least when you were detected, it was special. I was only detected as part of a slew of particles – the 'zoo' as we were called. Nothing special about yet another type of sigma.
HIGGS: Calm down, everyone. There's no need to get so riled up about something so insig- (He is cut off. All characters, previously fidgeting normally, freeze, and simultaneously look to the left of the stage, then quickly rotate their heads as if to follow the motion of some object across to the right. It is a momentary distraction. All characters smile or chuckle as if at some inside joke)
PROTON: (to HIGGS) Just out of curiosity, and no disrespect intended, but are you afraid of being detected?
HIGGS: Me, afraid? The master of mass, the prince of particles? Such a situation is simply … inconceivable! (pause) Perhaps just a little bit. (other particles nod knowingly, except ELECTRON)
ELECTRON: A fear we all share, to be sure! You must shrink from your cowardice, and rise to your duty. Each member of our great society must fulfill such tasks as are required of him. As the great Karl Marx once said, (pauses, composing himself, and gazes proudly into the distance) “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” (continues staring into space)
PROTON: Okay, so ignoring our little communist over here, (glare from ELECTRON, chuckle from others) does anyone have a good reason to reveal Higgs? I'm personally all for keeping him hidden. It's no fun if the humans figure out everything about the world. Just look what happened to Alpha Centauri when the little green 'men' learned about the Higgs – a modern-day Atlantis by all accounts! (nods from all except ELECTRON, who glares off into the distance, ignoring what is said) However, I feel no need to bring social justice into the debate. It's just us having a little fun at the expense of the humans.
SIGMA: I see your point. However, I think that the humans have worked pretty hard at this whole physics thing. After all, they've discovered the majority of regular particles. It's about time they find him. We do still have all the supersymmetric particles up our sleeves. We can always dangle those above their heads. Also, they'll start to get suspicious soon. If they don't find the Higgs within a few years at the LHC, they'll give up and the brunt of the blow will fall on the theorists, who get to try to rework the universe. The experimentalists stop studying us so intently, and everyone gets bored. All in all, no fun for anyone. Let's reveal Higgs and be done with it. (It takes a lot of effort for SIGMA to speak so rationally. He becomes visibly more agitated as he speaks, gesturing animatedly and spitting out the last few words)
PROTON: Well, when Sigma, of all particles, speaks so rationally, you know something important is going on.
ELECTRON: (dismissively) It's not so strange.
HIGGS: (with a mischievous grin) No, that would be Omega. (pause. The others roll their eyes, sigh slighly, or simply ignore HIGGS entirely) You know, with three strange quarks...
SIGMA: Yes. We know that. We just didn't find it funny in the – (He is cut off. Once again, all eyes follow some invisible object as it flies across the stage, this time from right to left) – in the least.
HIGGS: (sigh) No one appreciates me around here. I might as well reveal myself. The humans, at least, will be excited to see me.
PROTON: Well, then it seems we have reached a consensus (at last!) and will reveal the Higgs. Our next important topic to address is -
ELECTRON: Yes! Even you (points an accusing finger at HIGGS) cannot quell the proletariat! We have risen, and will never be trampled into the dust again! (pulls out his flag again. Continues waving it while other particles give him strange looks and begin talking again)
PROTON: (to HIGGS and SIGMA) We need to find some way to stop him from doing that.
HIGGS: Well, I didn't actually agree to be revealed, nor am I much looking forward to it, but - (glare from SIGMA) – okay, fine: I'm terrified. But even so, it was only a matter of time before you all agreed to reveal me.
SIGMA: (exasperated sigh. Gestures at ELECTRON, who is still waving the Soviet flag) First off, would someone stop him? (PROTON grabs the flag and yanks it away from ELECTRON) Thank you. (Once again, everyone follows the invisible flight, from left to right. SIGMA shakes his fist at the right side of the stage) And would you stop dashing around like that, Photon? You're making me dizzy! (All follow PHOTON's invisible flight right to left, then almost immediately left to right again. Then, right to left once more)
HIGGS: No need to show off, my friend. We all appreciate you. You're the best carrier of energy I've ever met. (There is a little high-pitched 'hmph!' from offstage. Then, HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA watch a spiraling, random path, like following an invisible balloon as it releases all its pent-up air in a random flight. After the invisible balloon leaves the stage, they all sigh and clear their heads by shaking the dizziness away. ELECTRON remains oblivious. He cannot see or hear GLUON) Now then, Gluon, no need to be jealous. You do your job well, too. It just so happens that you do shorter distances.
ELECTRON: Inequality! Gluon, join the cause of innocent particles like yourself, subjected to the whims of fiercer and more massive particles! (snatches his flag back from PROTON and waves it around frantically)
SIGMA: Oh, spare us!
ELECTRON You have nothing to lose but your chains, and a whole world of equal physics to win! Particles of all quantum numbers, unite! (PROTON snatches the flag away again, and ELECTRON abruptly falls silent)
SIGMA: Look, would you cut all this communist garbage and actually contribute something for once? If not, I will be happy to send you on your way, with a pat on the back and a nice kick to speed your travels.
ELECTRON: (with visible effort) Sorry. My convictions are my own. It would be best for particle-kind if you all agreed, but as you do not, I will keep my ideas to myself.
HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA: Thank you!
HIGGS: Okay, now that we have that settled, our next order of business is – (HIGGS and ELECTRON watch as PHOTON, invisible as always, whizzes across the stage several times. PROTON and SIGMA follow the erratic path of the invisible GLUON as it crosses the stage once. At the end, all seem slightly dizzied)
ELECTRON: Only...why do they get to go so fast? (HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA throw up their hands in disgust and storm offstage. ELECTRON picks up the little communist flag PROTON dropped in his hurry and waves it about halfheartedly. Lights go out)