Disembodied voices speaking. They are unlocatable, jumping from place to place in the middle of sentences and even words. They boom and echo in the darkness. The voices will be recognizable later on, but only barely.
ELECTRON: This has gone on long enough! It is time for us to step in and stop it.
PROTON: Nonsense. It's all in the name of science. It will continue until we can keep it up no longer.
ELECTRON: No, really, it's absurd. We've -
SIGMA: Oh, shut your mouth. We all know -
HIGGS: All of you, stop this bickering! It is how it is, and will remain that way.
PROTON: I hate to say this, everyone, but, well, (voice lowers to a whisper) we're being watched.
ALL: (not exact wording, just something along these lines, and almost simultaneously) Shoot!
HIGGS: Places, everyone!
There is a noise like a stereotypical alien abduction. Lights go crazy, in all colors and brightnesses, zipping around the stage randomly. The noise and lights end abruptly, and plain spotlights snap onto the stage, illuminating ELECTRON, PROTON, HIGGS, and SIGMS all sitting around a large table, trying hard to look nonchalant. ELECTRON is in mostly blue clothing, with a pair of rather dirt-smeared overalls and carrying a small, red booklet. PROTON, in contrast, wears almost solely red, with a mop of hair, possibly dyed pink. SIGMA wears neon blue and a foul expression. HIGGS is wearing very dark clothing, including a fedora, an ominous-looking and well-worn trench coat, and dark sunglasses. ALL fidget slightly, jiggling legs, twiddling thumbs, or fiddling with buttons on clothing. PHOTON is nowhere to be seen.
SIGMA: (glaring at audience) They would show up now, wouldn't they? There we were, floating probability clouds, free as can be, and then poof! these guys show up, and now here we are, stuck in particle form.
PROTON: I know what you mean, but really, we need to get back to the topic at hand. Being particles isn't that bad. Higgs, go on.
(nods to HIGGS)
HIGGS: Okay, look. You've kept me hidden for so long that if I show up now, it'll be suspicious. Plus, CERN isn't even that cool. I mean, I've seen some pretty neat detectors in my time, but the collider in Switzerland just isn't one of them.
ELECTRON: Now you're just being stuck-up. Some of us have been detected since before there were accelerators. Just because you haven't -
SIGMA: Oh, please! Your personal troubles have nothing to do with us. You're just jealous!
PROTON: Yeah!
ELECTRON: Ah, and now you accuse the electron - the noble electron! - of jealousy! I have been known for decades, more than either of you can say! (glares at SIGMA)
PROTON: Oh, stop being so negative. Sigma's right. This has nothing to do with the problem at hand.
ELECTRON: (under his breath) Negative! He just called me negative! (proceeds to act huffy)
HIGGS: My point is, it doesn't make sense to reveal me now, of all times. So why not hide me a bit longer?
ELECTRON: Why not hide you? Because we have no reason to be spending so much vacuum energy on saving the hide of a pathetic little particle like you. Heck, you're no different from the rest of us! (looking now at the other particles) Power to the people! Rebel against this age-old tyrant! (He takes out a pocket Soviet flag and waves it around. Realizes everyone is looking at him strangely. Slows and then stops waving it entirely. Tucks it into his overalls sheepishly) Sorry.
PROTON: It sounds to me like you're just bitter because you've never had the opportunity to be hidden away from the world. I can understand it. It was hard, being detected that first time...(looks off into the distance, remembering the past)
SIGMA: Oh, come on. At least when you were detected, it was special. I was only detected as part of a slew of particles – the 'zoo' as we were called. Nothing special about yet another type of sigma.
HIGGS: Calm down, everyone. There's no need to get so riled up about something so insig- (He is cut off. All characters, previously fidgeting normally, freeze, and simultaneously look to the left of the stage, then quickly rotate their heads as if to follow the motion of some object across to the right. It is a momentary distraction. All characters smile or chuckle as if at some inside joke)
PROTON: (to HIGGS) Just out of curiosity, and no disrespect intended, but are you afraid of being detected?
HIGGS: Me, afraid? The master of mass, the prince of particles? Such a situation is simply … inconceivable! (pause) Perhaps just a little bit. (other particles nod knowingly, except ELECTRON)
ELECTRON: A fear we all share, to be sure! You must shrink from your cowardice, and rise to your duty. Each member of our great society must fulfill such tasks as are required of him. As the great Karl Marx once said, (pauses, composing himself, and gazes proudly into the distance) “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” (continues staring into space)
PROTON: Okay, so ignoring our little communist over here, (glare from ELECTRON, chuckle from others) does anyone have a good reason to reveal Higgs? I'm personally all for keeping him hidden. It's no fun if the humans figure out everything about the world. Just look what happened to Alpha Centauri when the little green 'men' learned about the Higgs – a modern-day Atlantis by all accounts! (nods from all except ELECTRON, who glares off into the distance, ignoring what is said) However, I feel no need to bring social justice into the debate. It's just us having a little fun at the expense of the humans.
SIGMA: I see your point. However, I think that the humans have worked pretty hard at this whole physics thing. After all, they've discovered the majority of regular particles. It's about time they find him. We do still have all the supersymmetric particles up our sleeves. We can always dangle those above their heads. Also, they'll start to get suspicious soon. If they don't find the Higgs within a few years at the LHC, they'll give up and the brunt of the blow will fall on the theorists, who get to try to rework the universe. The experimentalists stop studying us so intently, and everyone gets bored. All in all, no fun for anyone. Let's reveal Higgs and be done with it. (It takes a lot of effort for SIGMA to speak so rationally. He becomes visibly more agitated as he speaks, gesturing animatedly and spitting out the last few words)
PROTON: Well, when Sigma, of all particles, speaks so rationally, you know something important is going on.
ELECTRON: (dismissively) It's not so strange.
HIGGS: (with a mischievous grin) No, that would be Omega. (pause. The others roll their eyes, sigh slighly, or simply ignore HIGGS entirely) You know, with three strange quarks...
SIGMA: Yes. We know that. We just didn't find it funny in the – (He is cut off. Once again, all eyes follow some invisible object as it flies across the stage, this time from right to left) – in the least.
HIGGS: (sigh) No one appreciates me around here. I might as well reveal myself. The humans, at least, will be excited to see me.
PROTON: Well, then it seems we have reached a consensus (at last!) and will reveal the Higgs. Our next important topic to address is -
ELECTRON: Yes! Even you (points an accusing finger at HIGGS) cannot quell the proletariat! We have risen, and will never be trampled into the dust again! (pulls out his flag again. Continues waving it while other particles give him strange looks and begin talking again)
PROTON: (to HIGGS and SIGMA) We need to find some way to stop him from doing that.
HIGGS: Well, I didn't actually agree to be revealed, nor am I much looking forward to it, but - (glare from SIGMA) – okay, fine: I'm terrified. But even so, it was only a matter of time before you all agreed to reveal me.
SIGMA: (exasperated sigh. Gestures at ELECTRON, who is still waving the Soviet flag) First off, would someone stop him? (PROTON grabs the flag and yanks it away from ELECTRON) Thank you. (Once again, everyone follows the invisible flight, from left to right. SIGMA shakes his fist at the right side of the stage) And would you stop dashing around like that, Photon? You're making me dizzy! (All follow PHOTON's invisible flight right to left, then almost immediately left to right again. Then, right to left once more)
HIGGS: No need to show off, my friend. We all appreciate you. You're the best carrier of energy I've ever met. (There is a little high-pitched 'hmph!' from offstage. Then, HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA watch a spiraling, random path, like following an invisible balloon as it releases all its pent-up air in a random flight. After the invisible balloon leaves the stage, they all sigh and clear their heads by shaking the dizziness away. ELECTRON remains oblivious. He cannot see or hear GLUON) Now then, Gluon, no need to be jealous. You do your job well, too. It just so happens that you do shorter distances.
ELECTRON: Inequality! Gluon, join the cause of innocent particles like yourself, subjected to the whims of fiercer and more massive particles! (snatches his flag back from PROTON and waves it around frantically)
SIGMA: Oh, spare us!
ELECTRON You have nothing to lose but your chains, and a whole world of equal physics to win! Particles of all quantum numbers, unite! (PROTON snatches the flag away again, and ELECTRON abruptly falls silent)
SIGMA: Look, would you cut all this communist garbage and actually contribute something for once? If not, I will be happy to send you on your way, with a pat on the back and a nice kick to speed your travels.
ELECTRON: (with visible effort) Sorry. My convictions are my own. It would be best for particle-kind if you all agreed, but as you do not, I will keep my ideas to myself.
HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA: Thank you!
HIGGS: Okay, now that we have that settled, our next order of business is – (HIGGS and ELECTRON watch as PHOTON, invisible as always, whizzes across the stage several times. PROTON and SIGMA follow the erratic path of the invisible GLUON as it crosses the stage once. At the end, all seem slightly dizzied)
ELECTRON: Only...why do they get to go so fast? (HIGGS, PROTON, and SIGMA throw up their hands in disgust and storm offstage. ELECTRON picks up the little communist flag PROTON dropped in his hurry and waves it about halfheartedly. Lights go out)
